The WHY for my How

I have read and reread the posts about my story. I have read and reread the comments that have been left here, the messages sent through email or Facebook, and the notes I made about different conversations I've had in person.

It is amazing how different I feel now than how I felt only a few weeks ago. My attitude and outlook could not be more improved.

As I have mentioned, Chris and I are participating in Power 90, which is the follow-up class to the Power of Choice seminar we attended last month. For my 90-day goal, I am writing my book. It will be done by the end of June. It will.

As soon as I can figure out what I'm writing.

I have written an affirmation that states the what and the why of my goal. I wrote it because it sounded good initially. Now, I feel that it is exactly what I am wanting to accomplish, though it is still quite far from how I feel presently. It is this affirmation that is going to guide my healing and thus my writing.

I am a mother by choice, proclaiming my freedom, peace and joy to the world through writing.

There are four elements.

1. I am a mother by CHOICE.

A huge piece of my trauma comes from the day I found out I was pregnant with Jane. There is so much emotion and heartache wrapped up in my memories of that day--all opposite of what it seems like I "should" feel. I am still having the feelings now that I was "tricked" or "trapped" into becoming a mother. I was not prepared, I was not expecting it, I did not want it.

Now, I still struggle with feelings of not wanting to be a mother. I often feel trapped by my responsibilities to my children, pulled away from the career and education that I had put so much effort into during high school and college. I am stuck at home all day long, surrounded by incomplete and incomprehensible sentences, constant clutter, and boogers. Ugh.

I do know that I want to be a mother, and if I could go back and make a more conscious decision again, I would choose to have that first baby. I may have taken longer than the Lord wanted (as evidenced by my being prompted to 'stop birth control' rather than being prompted to 'have a baby'), but being a mother truly is what I want in life. Part of writing my book is recording the journey through making that decision now, deciding in my mind and in my heart what my body decided five years ago.

2. FREEDOM

Postpartum depression is terribly debilitating, on which I have already elaborated. My book will detail my experiences with my depression and how it affected myself, my marriage, and my children. I will also write about how I came out of it all with therapy, medication, and relearning how to think about myself and my circumstances. (I haven't posted about all that here, have I? Any interest?)

Taking that freedom a step further, we are going to go beyond being free from depression and into finding freedom within motherhood. It can be nearly suffocating to be a parent, especially a stay-at-home mom. It is not the prison that it often seems to be, and I intend to share how to free yourself from that prison while still lovingly and thoroughly caring for your family. It'll be amazing. As soon as I figure out how to do that, of course.

3. PEACE

I am still shocked and saddened by the birth experiences I had, though I am learning slowly how valuable they truly are to me. I have learned how strong I am, then and now, and where my priorities and values lie when I am put into immensely difficult situations. I have also learned that I do have a gift in describing and explaining my experiences in ways that are helpful to other women who either have had similar experiences already or those who wish to avoid them where possible. I know how to do that! It seems only right to use the gift God has blessed me with for the benefit of others.

I am writing the peace I do have and will have with my birth experiences. I am writing the peace I have in following the prophets' counsel and the Lord's plan in having a family. I am writing the peace there is to be had in trials, if you will allow it in.

4. JOY

I have had many, many struggles in finding joy in my children amidst all the trauma and negative beliefs I've harbored through the years. I am not an overly sentimental person (negative belief!), nor am I a "small child" person (there's another one!). Finding joy is probably the most difficult of these four areas I have mentioned, but I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that "Men are that they might have joy." I whole-heartedly believe my patriarchal blessing's statement that I will have joy in my posterity. Now I just have to find it so I can write about it.

I am a mother by choice, proclaiming my freedom, peace and joy to the world through writing.

I will be writing my book between now and the end of June. I have roughly eight weeks to get it done. I would greatly appreciate any thoughts, comments, or suggestions on what to include in my book. I would also greatly appreciate any babysitting you may feel inspired to offer so I can have some time to write. ;)