Sunday, August 5, 2012

Part VI: An Anniversary I Never Wished For

Ben turned one last Friday. My intention all along had been to post all about him on his birthday, then wait a day or two to post my other feelings of the day after he'd had his own spotlight.

It's four days later and I haven't posted anything yet.

I feel somewhat selfish for it, but I am rethinking my strategy and have decided to write my own part first. I've realized that it's too hard to pretend my trauma never happened, even if only for a day. I am eternally grateful that Benjamin Ryan is a part of our family, but the circumstances of that day will forever be a black mark in my past that can never be completely erased.

This is the image that comes to mind when I think of that Wednesday morning.

I laid naked on a table for twenty minutes. Everything below that blue sheet was left exposed when the doctor disappeared to deliver someone else's baby. The nurses wouldn't cover me up because they had already sterilized the incision site and didn't want to waste more iodine--they said the doctor would be right back anyway.

Twenty minutes is closer to infinity than right back.

There were half a dozen medical personnel in the room at the time, half of whom were male. They milled about the room as if I wasn't even there, despite the fact that my integrity was comprised and my body was completely at the mercy of others. With a spinal block already in full effect, I had no ability to move to protect or cover myself in any way, and all protests from Chris were ignored or casually brushed aside. To top it all off, the large double doors were propped open and any person who happened to walk down the hall had just as clear a view as anyone in the room.

This is the event that I had blocked out of my mind shortly after it happened. I didn't remember anything about it at all until late October, almost two months later. It was this memory that finally convinced me to seek professional therapy, which I have done every week since then, continuing on even now.

What an insanely stupid thing to experience.

I'm not sure why today is the today for this to come out, but I have learned that when I am ready to write something, it's best to write it and then get it out where others will read it. The sooner I get it out in the open air (or air waves), the sooner its power over me is released. So, now you know.


I wrote that last Tuesday. I just about killed me to type it all out, and then I decided I didn't want to be on the computer anymore right then, so I saved my draft and shut the computer down. I then spent all day Wednesday packing for camping, and all day Thursday, Friday and Saturday camping. It was grand--hilarious post to come soon, full of requisite inside jokes. I also have all kinds of fun and amazing things to post about Benjamin, including his birthday which I am now over a week behind in posting. Sorry bud! All told, those were excellent ways to avoid writing.

But, this much was already written. So for now, I'm going to post this and just be done. Then we can move on with happier things in life.


Naomi said...

I'm so sorry Laura! I wish there had been a way to prevent that. It is unacceptable for them to disregard your feelings!

Rebecca said...

Laura I am so sorry you had to go through that. A c-section can be a pretty traumatic experience and then to have the medical personel be so unprofessional and extremely insensitive to your feelings. I'm so sorry. :(

Molly said...

How horrid! Nurses worried about iodine? Geeze! What a stupid thing to say to you. I am sorry this happened, I would have felt the same as you did. Unprotected and exposed. Love you Laura.

Erin said...

I'm so sorry that happened to you. No one should have to experience that.

Ruby in the Rough said...

That is humiliating. I'm so sorry you had such inconsiderate nurses.

Tannie Datwyler said...

You already know my feelings on this Laura - I just see RED every time I think about it.

I like what you said about releasing these things into your writing and then the power it has over you lessens. Amazing!

Liz, Karl, Madison, Brooklyn and Aubrey said...

Oh Laura! I am so sorry you had to experience that! Really truly mortifying! I wish there was something you could do to make sure this NEVER happens to anyone else again. Simply disgusting! I'm so glad you are starting to overcome so many of the struggles you've been experiencing though. Hang in there friend.

Unknown said...

Although i didn't have any past experiences to be triggered I had a similar event happen with the urgent preterm c-section of my daughter. That was 14 years ago and i still remember the moment of laying on the table not being able to move and no one concerned about my half naked body that i could see in the mirror and couldn't do anything about it.