Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Home is...where?

[insert self pity here]

We're almost done with Week 16. It has been four months since Chris first started his job in Salt Lake. It's been hard, and I believe that at the moment, it's just getting harder.

Chris and I don't live together anymore. It used to be that he stayed as a guest at Lisa and Christian's house during the week, then came home on weekends. Now, he has moved into our new house and is living there while we remodel. While being a generally good arrangement, it makes everything more confusing...

When the girls and I go to Salt Lake, it's like we're visiting Chris at the house we will eventually live in. When he comes to Logan, it's like he's visiting us at a house he used to live in. None of us ever go home. Even Jane refers to going to "Mommy's house" and "Daddy's house". That makes me sad.

They say home is where your heart during the week, my home is in Salt Lake and Chris's home is in Logan, so neither of us are home. I've also heard that home is where you store your which case, we definitely don't live together right now. Sigh.

I've mentioned this before, but I haven't been doing well with cooking meals lately. After spending all day at school, I come home mostly to worry about making sure the girls are clean, happy, and not attacking each other until it's time for bed, then I pack. I'm too worn out between working all day and single parenting to get much else done.

Here is my fridge this afternoon before I went grocery shopping.

Here is my fridge this evening after I went grocery shopping.

Yeah. I also bought a loaf of bread. And a box of goldfish crackers. At least Megan is still drinking formula, so I know she's good, and Jane gets two real meals at day care every day.

I'm not looking for pity, nor am I really looking for extra help. I do greatly appreciate still receiving one meal a week from the ward--that's the only complete dinner I get most weeks!--and going to Tannie's house (thank you!) occasionally for always excellent dinners, too. And I'm not trying to story-top anyone, or compare situations. My dad says that your trials will fill up your space. When you have a bigger trial, your space grows a bit. Your space stays that big, so next time, your trial doesn't seem quite as bad because you've experienced something bigger before.

This is my biggest trial in my life thus far. While I know there are worse things out there, right now, my space is filled. Someday, something won't seem so bad because I've been here and done this. Tonight, I just needed to get it out so I can hopefully move on a bit closer to the end.

I need my husband back. We need each other.

five more weeks


Liz, Karl and Madison said...

Oh Laura. I know you aren't looking for pity or help but I'm so sorry! I can not even imagine what you are going through. Just reading your blog makes me want to cry for you. I really wish I could help you out with something that might ease your burden at least some what. I know really all you need is your husband but really I am willing to do whatever I can to help you. Please let me know. Really, I don't live that far from you.

Tannie Datwyler said...

So, let me know when I can take the girls while you pack some stuff up or if you just need a break.

What about dinner again next week? Are you sick of us yet? How about Monday this time? FHE and dinner? What do you think?

Also - I wish my fridge had been as empty as yours for my "before" it would have been more impressive on the "after" but I'm sorry you don't have a ton to go off of!

And I know you aren't looking for pity - you are just plain stressed out!!!

Tannie Datwyler said...

ps - I liked the underwear comment. :)

Britta said...

Hey, that could be a picture of my fridge!

pawlyandsandy said...

Hang in there Laura. Maybe this experience will prevent marital fights for a year becuase you'll over look the little stuff just cuz you're happy to be living together again.

The end is near and you have made it thru 10+ weeks already, that is QUITE the accomplishment!

Keep pressing on, you can do it!