On Being Pregnant...this time

When I was about 13 weeks along in this pregnancy, I remember talking to a friend that was already 17 weeks. I wished I could be that far along so I could feel like I was getting somewhere, instead of just barely out of the first trimester...like that didn't even count.

When I was about 20 weeks and had had my ultrasound, I wished I looked bigger so people would ask and I could brag that I was finally having a boy. But really I just felt like I was putting on a lot of weight without obviously looking pregnant.

Then I just wished I could be in the third trimester so I could, again, feel like I was finally getting somewhere and that I could somehow be justified in "feeling" pregnant.

Good thing no one expects a pregnant mind to be logical.

Why the mental block this time around? I have a few theories...

1. I suspected I was pregnant as early as week 2, as impossible as that seems. At week 2, really, nothing can "feel" pregnant. I just knew. So, I had some time where I was pregnant and knew it but didn't feel it. It took a long time to get over that.

2. I never threw up. Well, once, but that was a stomach bug, not morning sickness. I kept waiting to get sick since I was so sick with my other two pregnancies before...and I never did. I think part of my brain is still waiting for that part so we can get this whole pregnant thing going.

3. I weighed less at the beginning of this pregnancy than I did when Chris and I got married. It was kind of depressing to gain it straight back. I've gained less than 10 pounds, which is nice really, but it's enough. I had a hard time for quite a while being able to feel like it was pregnant weight and not just a malicious undoing of all my hard work of the months previous.

4. I've been a little bit in denial. There is the lovely running joke about me being surprised to find out I was pregnant the first time. I knew full well what was going on this time, but I wasn't exactly expecting to go for that so soon. If it weren't for repeated (and repeated and, ahem, repeated...) inspiration in the temple, I wouldn't have even thought to get pregnant yet. I guess you could call this a pregnancy of faith more than of choice.

5. I'm kind of nervous. My kids are young. Sacrament meeting and grocery shopping are already quite the adventure with just the two of them. I'm not 100% confident in my ability to handle three...

6. Awkward timing... There have been several situations with people I'm in contact with often that have made this pregnancy a little awkward...times when I was pregnant and others were who didn't want to be, times when others wanted to be and I was. Enough of those situations, in fact, that I have repeatedly played down the fact that I'm pregnant and tried to make it ignorable so it wouldn't be uncomfortable for others if I could help it. I think some of that mentality has stuck.

I am one day shy of 27 weeks pregnant.
I only have 13 weeks to full term.
My due date is exactly three months from tomorrow.

That counts, doesn't it?

This boy is quite active. I was paying careful attention for a few days in a row to find his most active time of day. By my count, he moves a lot when I first get up in the morning, when I stand in one place to take a shower, when I'm moving around more to clean the house, when I stop to rest in the afternoon, anytime I sit down to eat, when I'm relaxing in the evening, and again when I lay down to go to bed.

Wait...

Yeah, pretty much he doesn't stop. I am really really glad that he, apparently, gets all his sleep in at night so I can sleep, too. Remember that, baby. It'd be really great if you could keep that up after you're born.

There are other signs, too, that I'm actually pregnant.

I have had some killer heartburn that hits just about every time eat, regardless of menu choice. My doctor finally put me on prescription antacids because Tums just weren't cutting it.

Baby boy has found my ribs. Ouch. At least he helps improve my posture.

I had to switch from singing soprano in the ward choir to alto. The breath support just isn't there for those high notes.

My good ol' pulled muscle is back. Man, it hurts when I sneeze.

Despite all that, my brain just doesn't want to accept being pregnant, I guess.

We're probably going to be heading to the hospital on D-day thinking, Hey, what? Who said we're having a baby? Who wants to bet that, even after writing this, I'll still be caught off guard when I go into labor?