The closest we can get

One of the more unusual aspects for me of Chris working on an air force base is the fact that I will never see where he actually works. I won't be allowed into the building, let alone into his office. It's kind of weird to not be able to picture where he spends the vast majority of his waking hours during the week.

Luckily, we were able to attend the 5600 picnic last week, and on the way to the barbeque locale, I was able to at least see the outside of his building. Hooray!

The kids were much more interested in the bounce house, though.

Except Ben...

It was all kinds of fun to meet some of Chris's coworkers, play on the playground and in the bounce house, and have otter pops and brownies to top of the excellent (and free) dinner. I'm glad we could go. It was a good way to set off the weekend for our trip to Idaho. Stay tuned for those details!

just keep swimming

Our apartment complex has two pools. Hopefully someday they'll actually open the one right next door...in the meantime, we've been soaking up in the other pool. Perfect thing to do on a hot afternoon. Best part? We can go whenever the heck we want. I knew this was a good thing to have on my apartment wish list.

Fairly often, actually, the pool is the favored follow-up activity when we get home from the zoo. Because we have a pass and can go whenever the heck we want. Man, summer is good.

Sometimes we go to the zoo just me and the kids.

Then we can splurge on things like cotton candy and riding the train.

Other times, we go with friends, like Harold and Jace and their mom Rebecca.

And Suzan and Anna and their mom Shara. (I don't have any pictures of Shara or Anna, but really, they were there.) Awesomeness--Shara and Kyle used to be in our ward when we lived in Logan. They came to Albuquerque for a summer internship and I convinced them to move into our complex. Now we get to hang out all the time. Sweet.

Even better are the times when Dad decides to stay home from work and go to the zoo with us.

Top it off with a stare-down from a gorilla and you're all set.

Hooray for summer!

Another Birthday!

Happy Birthday to Jess!

We've been friends with Jess since she met both Chris and her now-husband Mark in a Differential Equations and Linear Algebra class (is that right? at all?). We like to claim a hand in Mark and Jess getting married since it was on the day that we got married, when Chris was absent from class of course, that Jess sat next to Mark and asked him out. Good times.

I don't have nearly as many pictures of Jess with my kids, but I did find this one gem from when Audrey Jane turned 2.

And a little note from Audrey Jane herself:

Dear Jess,

I like going to your house. Someday could I maybe play at your house and babysit us? Happy birthday! And I like going to your house. I wish you a new dress for your birthday.

Love, Jane

We had dinner at Jess's house last week and the kids took advantage of a few yoga lessons.

A note from Megan Leigh:

Dear Jess,

I want to give you a new dress that has blue and butterflies and flowers and a pretty bow on the top. That's all I wanted to say. Happy Birthday Jess! And I give you a lot and lots of hugs.

Love, Megan

And Ben:

Hap berda jess

Ha. At least he attempted.

Happy Happy Birthday!

For Grandma Janet

Happy Birthday to Grandma Janet!

1. What is something Grandma always says to you?
  A: She wants to play a game.

 M: Give me a hug. 

2. What makes Grandma happy?
A: She likes playing games with me. And she also likes playing games.

 M: Playing hide and seek with me.

3. What makes Grandma sad?
A: When I hit Daddy.
M: Me not being with her.

 4. How does Grandma make you laugh?
A: She tickles me.
M: She tells me funny jokes.

5. What was Grandma like as a child?
A: She was like me.
M: She liked to play hide and seek.

6. How old is Grandma? 

A: I don't know. Thirty hundred.

  M: 3 I guess.

7. How tall is Grandma?
A: 50 feet I think.
M: This tall (arms stretched)

8. What is Grandma's favorite thing to do?
A: Take pictures.
M: Play at the park.

 9. What does Grandma do when you're not around?
A: I think she plays games.
M: Play games with other grownups.

10. If Grandma becomes famous, what will it be for?
A: Famous for riding a motorcycle.
M: Riding a big big bike.

11. What is Grandma really good at?
A: Riding bikes.
M: Making french toast.

12. What is Grandma not very good at?
 A: Climbing up a ladder.
M: Finding me.

13. What does Grandma do for her job?
A: Teaches kids how to write at school with Grandpa.
M: Help people make things at the North Pole.

14. What is Grandma's favorite food?
A: I don't know. I don't have any guess.
M: Ice cream.

15. What makes you proud of Grandma?
A: That she can help me make better food that I want to eat.
M: Bringing the garbage outside.

16. What makes Grandma proud of you?
A: She likes it when I listen to my mom.
M: Helping her take the food outside to put in her car.

17. What do you and Grandma do together?
A: Play the hundred puzzles.
M: Give a bunch of hugs together.

18. How are you and Grandma the same?
A: We both like pink.
M: We could ride our bikes together.

19. How are you and Grandma different?
A: She has glasses, I don't.
M: Us don't got the same hair.

20. How do you know Grandma loves you?
A: I listen and I always sit by her and help her play games.
M: Makes a picture of me and her.

21. Where is Grandma's favorite place to go?
A: School.
M:To the park.

22. What do you want to tell Grandma for her birthday?

  A: I like you. I know your favorite color is pink and we are coming to you on Friday.
M: Happy Birthday Grandma, I love you, and I will give you a lot of kisses.

Happy Birthday!

Part VIII: Celebrating Me

On October 25, 2011, I went to my first therapy session. On June 3, 2013, barring the unforeseen future, I went to my last therapy session.

This is a monumental occasion for me. We're talking HUGE. Both for my own record and for the chance to celebrate what has really transpired, I want to chronicle some of the differences between the Laura that started therapy and the Laura that called it done last night.

...then...

I spent the vast majority of every day sitting on the couch. Didn't move, didn't eat, didn't take care of my kids.

...now...

My kids and I have all kinds of fun during the day. We regularly go to the park, to the zoo, on playdates, shopping, we go for walks, we color, we watch movies together, we play games. Good times.

...then...
A friend's Facebook announcement of being pregnant or having a baby would send my entire world, such as it was, into a tailspin. I could think of nothing else and my hours would be entirely consumed with something akin to hatred for myself, my birth experiences, and sometimes even my children.

...now...
I am happy for my friends! I am still fully aware of my past, but the life choices of others do not affect what I do in my own life. And, what happened in my past no longer dictates my future.

...then...
My van was the only refuge I had from the chaos I felt surrounded by. I drove for hours upon hours, hundreds of miles, just to avoid life. Avoid thinking. Avoid taking care of my kids. Avoid everything.

...now...
My van is a tool for getting from one place to another. Like from home to the grocery store. Albuquerque to Salt Lake. To Idaho. To Tucson.

...then...
I went to church so I had an excuse to pretend that everything was fine. When I was around other people, I could act normal.

...now...
I go to church because I want to be there. I go to church because I feel the spirit and I am given hope for the coming week. I don't have to pretend or act like things are normal, at church or anywhere. Things are genuinely fine!
  
...then...
I wore plain white socks and my hair was kept straight down every day. I owned two pairs of church shoes, both black.

 ...now...
I wear quite the variety of socks with colors, stripes, polka dots, plaid... I learned many, many variations of doing my hair when it was long and I let go of the opinions of others and chopped it off because that's what I wanted. I no longer run my life based on what I think I'm supposed to do or what I think other people want me to do.

The sneakers I wear every day are hot pink, and I now own 11 pairs of church shoes--heels in orange, black, and pink, and flats in green, yellow, silver, brown, black, red, and pink sparkles. Not to mention my striped slippers to compliment my ladybug slippers.

...then...
I wore my wedding ring because that's what you do. I was happy to be married, and I love my husband, but my ring reminded me more of the less-than-stellar experience of buying the ring that it did of a happy marriage.

...now...
I spoke out, voiced my opinions, and we bought the ring that I absolutely love. I created $1000 in six months to pay for my portion. My ring now is a symbol of authenticity, courage, voice, and--most significantly and most strongly--my love and my eternal bond with Christopher.

 
 ...then...
The idea of ever having another baby was completely unfathomable. There was absolutely no way that I could possibly subject myself and my body to such a level of vulnerability again. No way that I could face the possibility of repeating the trauma that had catapulted me into PTSD. No way that I would ever do that again.

...now...
I still don't know when we'll have another baby, but I do know that we will. I know what I still want to do before that time comes, and when that time does come, I have a plan. I know what I am going to do to create the best birth scenario as far as I can control. I know how to advocate for myself and I know who I want on my side to advocate for me as well.

I am willing to move forward into a pregnancy fully acknowledging the possibility of facing yet another miscarriage. I am willing to move forward into another birth experience fully acknowledging that something out of my control and potentially traumatic could happen.

And that's okay.

When I can say that something horrible might happen and know that I will be okay coming out the other side, that is the sign to me of absolute truth--because I am the one who decides how I feel. That is not to say that everything will be easy. That's not to say that I won't struggle with life events, big or small. I am saying that I know that I have the tools and the skills and the will to succeed that mean that, no matter what happens, we will come out the other side and we will be fine.

What a difference two years can make.

Go me.

How shall we celebrate?